Excuse me, I feel a rant coming on

I got into tug-of-war of words on Facebook. It did not escalate into an all out flame war, but that might be because I left the conversation before it got to that point. I do not normally have conflicts online. I learned a long time ago that arguing online is often frustrating and many times fruitless because rarely are any minds changed. So how did I get dragged into this and why am I still kind of upset about it? It started with a link to this article. For those of you like me who are generally too lazy to follow links, here’s a brief synopsis:

Man and woman date. Woman moves abroad. Man and woman have a long-distance relationship. Woman has second thoughts and tries to break up with man gently. Man sees pictures of woman and her new boyfriend on Facebook. Man goes to woman’s house and stabs her to death.

Awful ain’t it? It pissed me off like so many other similar stories do because it’s yet another example of how women are not safe in this world. What really riled me up though, was that someone made comments along the lines of how a lack of common courtesy on the part of the victim is what led to her murder. The same commenter did however point out that murder is bad, mmkay. Gee, thanks for that nugget of wisdom.

I responded with restraint and we went back and forth a few times but I opted to end things before I lost my cool. However, this here blog is my space and I get to rant on it any time I want, so here goes:

Common courtesy? That’s what affected you most about this story? More common courtesy on her part towards her ex-boyfriend could have prevented this? What the frak???? Why is it so easy to blame women for the crimes against them? The news story said that she tried to break it off with him GENTLY but she didn’t tell him she had started to date somebody else. Sounds to me like she was trying to not rub it in his face. Sounds to me like she was trying to be courteous. Should I then turn around and say that courtesy got her killed? What about her ex-boyfriend having the common courtesy not to stalk her? How about him having the common courtesy not to come to her home and repeatedly stab her until she died.

He didn’t kill her just because she was/wasn’t courteous. He killed her because he saw her as his possession. He killed her because he had dehumanized her.

All too often women around the world are dehumanized and the result is that violence is perpetuated against women freely and easily. We dehumanize these women further when we say what amounts to “she brought it on herself.” It does little to help the problem when we point our fingers and say, “Ah, but if only you were nicer to him…”  How about this for a change – blame the perpetrator. HE HAD NO RIGHT TO MURDER HER! End of story.

So yeah, courtesy my ass!


Posted on March 24, 2010, in My soapbox. Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. Wow. That guy had issues. It’s never ok to murder someone, no matter what people!

  2. Hey girl, I’m back! Told ya.

    Yeah, this is insane. The issue of women’s safety is a huge one. All women have to be constantly aware of who is around us. Men can’t relate. I’ve had similiar discussions.

    Oh yeah, I hate the boys vs. girls stuff too. I just had to bring it up though cause i notice women seem to never want girls. You sound very aware, far more that the average person. I’m sure youll do a great job raising your lil king!

  3. Ha I had an online argument with another volunteer and we are no longer facebook friends. It was a race issue though. I understand.
    I just saw a segment on Nat Geo about how some women in India have acid thrown in their faces by their husbands and boyfriends if they “act up”. Second class citizenship makes men believe they have the right to abuse women for stepping out of bounds. It’s a “privilege” that they think they have.
    Silly people are everywhere online so it’s hard to deal with them sometimes. Good job!

  4. “How about him having the common courtesy not to come to her home and repeatedly stab her until she died”

    Yes, how about that! That is horrible, and it’s horrible that the culture still reinforces the theory that women are responsible for any violence perpetrated against them. Gah.

  5. WTH! blaming the victim for her own murder is like killing her all over again…the commenter is a capital jerk.

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